Voices in the journey home: My mother; The First African American I ever met.

We are fortunate in that because of our technology we have a built in way to have conversations with a diverse group of clients that is working on rebuilding their lives. Through these conversations we have met some incredible individuals and found some amazing stories that we have been able to share.  We are proud to be able to highlight another voice that has an ability to write and a willingness to share their journey.  You first met Samuel when we shared part of his story in a video on our home page www.cvm.org and now he will be a regular guest blog writer in our feature we like to call “Voices in the journey home”.

My mother; The First African American I ever met.

"I broke her heart. I broke my mother’s heart in two and smashed it with the heel of my ungrateful boot. I kicked her with my pride when she was down while holding my hands over my ears to muffle her cry's for understanding. That sounds terrible doesn't it?

Although that didn't physically happen, it figuratively occurred and I have spent the last three years of my life struggling with piercing guilt. I have gone back and forth from forgiving myself to torturing myself for sins against my own mother.

As that old Frank Sinatra song goes “Regrets, I have a few but then again too few to mention.” This is not the case with me. I was a troubled child with a troubled mother. I felt rejected by her so I lashed out. I didn't realize how much she must have loved me until years after she had passed. Truth is when I left home without saying goodbye to her I broke her heart - she died 9 years later.

During her life this classy lady would never leave the house with her hair undone even if she had to hide it under a wig. They did that in those days. Boy, could she walk with dignity. Her head would be up so high in public you would hope that it wouldn't rain. One would have never known that she was a survivor of the brutal south and unspeakable crimes against her body and her mind.

I wish someone had given me that information, even as a little boy I would have understood.

She was an amazing African American woman. She carried herself with dignity and masked the pain of her past in public exceptionally. No one ever told me about her past until after she had died. I didn't know that she was extremely terrified of white people. I only knew she came to Washington from Tennessee for a change before I was born and that she could be cold and insensitive at times. I was a selfish teenager focused on my own pain. 

In private when she thought she was alone Mama would talk to herself out loud. It was tough for me to listen too. At that time I had to gather the reasons for her mental illness out of thin air.

If only I had known.

Why am I writing about this? I want to encourage you to cherish the people in your life no matter what. Separate each person from their behavior. Try to look behind the reasons they are behaving the way they are. Contemplate understanding.

I forgive myself. 

You may have to distance yourself but try not to lash out or strike back. Forgive the hurtful person and then for God’s sake forgive yourself." - Samuel

"Bite Sized Pieces"

I am not the most patient person in the world. Age is helping me to get better at this virtue, but the word NOW is only second best to the word YESTERDAY to me. I have come to believe that part of the reason that my recovery has been slow is because I get depressed that this process is taking so long. I have to remind myself every day that even baby steps are still steps in the right direction.

I have created a paradox of sorts for myself. I get depressed because beyond my Community Voice Mail account, I really don't have the resources or the energy physically or mentally to speed up my recovery process (never mind that fact that I have clinical depression anyway). My depression causes me to further become depleted, and then I fall behind on my goals. It's quite the merry-go-round that I can find myself on. So, how can I get off the merry-go-round?

I can resign myself to the fact that my financial and life recovery process is what it is. It's going to take time. There are lessons to be learned. There are life skills that need dusting off, or that need to be implemented. There are decisions to be made and sacrifices to be considered. I get scared and overwhelmed by my choices, because when there is so little money and resources, there are very few palatable choices available. However, I've also come to accept and spur myself on with the fact that I do have choices. They might not be the choices that I would want to be faced with forever, but I do have choices.

So, facing the fact that I have choices, one thing that I am choosing to do is plan my recovery goals into bite sized pieces, or baby steps. I'm also choosing not to feel like a failure, but instead I can feel empowered for taking baby steps. Here's a practical example from my life:

A few days ago, I got sick and tired of being too sick and tired to perform heavy duty housekeeping around my room. I was totally overwhelmed by my need to scrub the shower, clean the baseboards, etc. I didn't want to borrow a vacuum from the hotel front office, but I couldn't seem to get things together to buy a vacuum. On top of all of these considerations, I had to try to bang out some work that day. I thought my head was going to explode with the considerations of housekeeping, possibly getting sore and tired from housekeeping, not having enough tools or time to get everything done, and oh yeah, having the mental space to be creative enough to write internet content for my employer.

What I decided to do was to break the task down into bite sized pieces. I decided that I could clean my kitchenette area. I could borrow the vacuum up front. The floor would be able to stay clean enough for a week or two until I could buy my own vacuum. I could scrub the shower. There are other parts of the room that need a good doing-over, but those could wait. I decided that any cleaning that I engaged in would be progress. I would feel better, and my living space would be healthier. Sure enough, I did feel better and more accomplished with the little that I performed. While I didn't hit my financial goal that day, I reasoned that I needed to take care of home so that my mind would be clear enough for me to accomplish my higher priority, which is work.

If you are reading this, and if you are in transition or homeless, then know that some issues that you will have to overcome are simply going to take time to resolve. If you have kids, then you know that sometimes you have to feed them bite sized pieces of food. Sometimes, even the bite sized pieces are too big, and you'll have to split those up into smaller, more manageable pieces. The important thing is not the size of the food; the important thing is that it's being digested. Life is the same way in many cases. 

My name is Terrah, and I will be sharing with you ways that my Community Voice Mail phone number has helped me, and I will be sharing tips on how it could help you as well. It might seem like a small thing, but having a phone number gives hope, and that hope can be the seed for so much growth in your life recovery. I hope you continue to read my post, and I wish you well in your journey. These lilies represent the fact that within the seeds of one form of life, rises the beauty of a new form of life.

Recovered and Reclaimed

Last week I saw a clip of a documentary that featured pelicans from the Gulf of Mexico that were rescued from the BP oil spill. The clip I saw showed the releasing of the pelicans back into their natural habitat, after the area was deemed safe. When one particular pelican was released from its cage, it stood still in place for a good five minutes. Although it was back where it belonged, the pelican felt lost.

 I realized that I was like that pelican when I first left the shelter, and moved into the hotel where I stay now. I was back on my own and back into independent living, but I didn't know what to do intuitively anymore. That is, I knew what to do in order to live on my own mentally, but it honestly took me a good month or so to get used to living in a space alone. I had to get re-acquainted with preparing my own meals, washing dishes, having to schedule laundry around a work schedule, and having to catch the bus to buy groceries. Even now, when I hear certain noises, I have to remind myself that a security guard isn't going to put keys into my door and come into my room anytime they felt like it, invading my privacy.

I share this because I am in the midst of beginning another step of my personal recovery back "home". Through some very heartbreaking yet serendipitous circumstances, I find myself with a one-way plane ticket that is good for another eight months. That plane ticket is my literal ticket out of the city that I live in now, and it is my ticket to a brand new life. It will lead me to a life of my choice, and hopefully that life will include new friends, and new love. It will certainly lead me to a much needed change of scenery. And yet, although all of these aspects will be new to me, part of the completion of my homecoming is moving towards this new life that will reflect my deepest hopes and dreams.

My next series of blog posts will discuss how a formerly homeless single woman dares to muster the strength and the courage to move from surviving, to living and thriving. Thinking about life in general, I've come to realize that people (myself included) can become so stuck in the process of recovery that we forget that the end goal isn't simply being in recovery, but the end goal is to come to a place of being recovered and re-claimed. I'm still on my journey. I've been in this hotel for a year and some change. I wish I could have left sooner, but part of me understands that it took a year and some change to get to this place that I'm at now mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Now, I have to give myself permission stop dragging my feet in the past with all of its horrible memories and trauma, and run towards my future with arms wide open.

The documentary ended with the pelican eventually figuring out what to do. It decided to join the other pelicans that were released back into the marshes of the Gulf. The pelicans then reclaimed their innate lifestyles. They formed a pattern in the sky, and they flew off into the sunset. It all turned out well for them at the end of the day, even after all the trauma that they were exposed to from the oil spill. They lost their home for a time, but they were able to literally and figuratively reclaim their home. I'm hoping for the same outcome.

My name is Terrah, and I will be sharing with you ways that my Community Voice Mail phone number has helped me, and I will be sharing tips on how it could help you as well. It might seem like a small thing, but having a phone number gives hope, and that hope can be the seed for so much growth in your life recovery. I hope you continue to read my post, and I wish you well in your journey. These lilies represent the fact that within the seeds of one form of life, rises the beauty of a new form of life.

Join us Oct 12th

From Isolation to Access: Communication that Expands Our Community’s Capacity to Care

“The isolation of poverty perpetuates it.” - Dr. Donna Beegle, Ed.D

An evening with award-winning anti-poverty scholar, teacher and organizer, Dr. Donna Beegle, Ed.D.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

5:30-7:30 pm    Presentation begins at 6pm.

RSVP appreciated - Email rsvp@cvm.org by October 7, 2011

Seattle Public Library (Downtown) - Suggested reading

Light refreshments provided.

On September 13, the US Census reported that poverty in the United States has risen to the highest levels since 1993. How can we respond? How can we adjust the way we think about and communicate with people in poverty to help – really help?

Join Community Voice Mail National and Dr. Donna Beegle to learn how we can translate effective communication with people in poverty into our helping organizations and systems to expand our community’s capacity to care.

Donna is the only member of her family who has not been incarcerated. After growing up in generational migrant labor poverty, leaving school for marriage at 15, having two children and continuing to cope with poverty, she found herself, at 25, with no husband, little education, and no job skills. What followed in 10 short years were: self-confidence, a G.E.D., an A.A. in Journalism, a B.A. (with honors) in Communications, a Master’s Degree in Communication with a minor in Gender Studies (with honors), and completion of a Doctorate Degree.

Since rising out of poverty, Donna Beegle has studied and worked with educators, social service professionals, faith and community-based organizations, and health professionals to help large helping systems truly help by shifting ways of thinking and communicating with people in poverty. In 2006, Donna founded Poverty Bridge, a nonprofit which strives to reduce the isolation of poverty by connecting people in poverty to people who are not. Her publications, “See Poverty, Be the Difference,” and "An Action Approach to Educating Students in Poverty", offer groundbreaking strategies for breaking poverty barriers.

This event is FREE and open to the public. Donations to Community Voice Mail National are gladly accepted. 

Just Ask

"The questions that we ask ourselves determines the quality of our lives" - unknown.

Hey, it's Terrah again. I just wanted to share a really cool quote that I came across that I learned during my personal inspiration time. You see, in order to survive the time that I was in transition, and in order to keep my head up as I survive to elevate myself above poverty, I have to use a lot of tools to keep my spirits up, and my mind focused. One of the things that I do, is find free resources that either teach me things, or that help me to learn about myself.

So, I came across this quote, and it made so much sense to me. When I lost my place and became homeless, believe me, I asked myself a lot of questions. I really had to ask myself along the way questions, such as how I wanted my life to look like when I regained my private life back. I had to ask myself if I was willing to fight for my life, instead of allowing life to knock me down. I had to ask myself if there was anything that I could have done differently, or that I could have done better, in retrospect.

Now don't get me wrong; I'm not saying that it was my fault (in my case) that I became homeless. In my case, circumstances of health issues and being laid off, was my downfall. However, I came to realize that I didn't care for myself or my health as well as I could have. I didn't use the best coping skills and therefore, I wasn't prepared for the worst. I was so angry about things, like past trauma, that I didn't focus on the present, or on the future. I didn't dream big to propel myself forward. It took for me to lose everything to start dreaming big, and to think about the future. Then again, it's easy to think about the future when you lose everything, and all you have to think about is the future.

While I was in transition dreaming about the future, I thought about taking care of myself. I needed a way for people to contact me for appointments. I thought about jobs. I needed a way for people to contact me about jobs, and about opportunities. Thank goodness that I had my Community Voice Mail to count on, so that I could make my future plans. For example, doctors were able to contact me about my health appointments. When I applied for jobs in the community, I had a contact number besides that one at the shelter. I didn't have to worry about missing my messages, because employers were able to reach my professional sounding voicemail (More on that later!) directly. And, in questioning myself about the future, I decided that I wanted to start a side business for myself. And I did!

While I was still in transition, I was able to turn a job inquiry into a self-employment opportunity. I questioned myself about my previous work experience, and about how I could sell those skills. I used to be a telemarketer, and I spent many years working in call centers. I also had some college credits, where I had picked up formal communication skills. I used these to make career opportunity recruitment calls to potential financial planners. So, while the job market was crappy, and when I couldn't get hired, I was still able to put some legal money in my pocket. The best part is that I had a phone number to put on my business cards, and on my resume. And, the legal money that I earned helped to propel me towards independent living!

So, as you can see, if I just sat back and accepted what life handed my way, I'd be in a bad place, and I'd probably still be in the shelter. But because I asked questions of myself, and of life, I was able to create more for myself. Heck, even this blog post that I share with you guys now, is the result of asking if I could share my stories with you! The lesson is that if you want things to get better for yourself, don't wait for the opportunities to come to you; just ask! Use the resources that you have, and you never know how they can help propel you to your future.

My name is Terrah, and I will be sharing with you ways that my Community Voice Mail phone number has helped me, and I will be sharing tips on how it could help you as well. It might seem like a small thing, but having a phone number gives hope, and that hope can be the seed for so much growth in your life recovery. I hope you continue to read my post, and I wish you well in your journey. These lilies represent the fact that within the seeds of one form of life, rises the beauty of a new form of life.

Bombshell Letter

Last week, Terry got a bombshell letter from the unemployment office. She learned her unemployment benefits will expire for good before New Year’s Day. Do you know someone like Terry?

For millions of “99ers” losing their unemployment benefits after nearly two years, no new extended benefits are coming their way. Although this issue has received little local media coverage, state officials are wracking their brains, anticipating a coming tidal wave. As public coffers shrink, agencies are looking to community-based nonprofit agencies to help cushion the blow.

Right now, Community Voice Mail is mounting a response. To learn more you can read our project proposal.

Will you help us? If you are able, I hope you will. Please be as generous as you can so we can be there for our friends and neighbors who need us.

Thank you for caring, and for showing you care.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Brandon

Executive Director

P.S. Community Voice Mail works. Click to hear how.

New CVM Blog: Cleveland

Cleveland Community Voice Mail, which is hosted by 211/First Call For Help, has just launched a blog. This is the 11th blog created by local CVM programs, and a sign that we're trying to reach our clients and their agencies using all appropriate means. Nearly 60% of our clients tell us they have email addresses, and virtually all of our 2,000 agencies using most of the communication technologies you can name. We have a lot of opportunity for reaching more people in multiple ways.

Stories from Clients (NEED Magazine)

NEED Magazine just published a nice piece featuring the "stories" of a few Seattle Community Voice Mail clients, with accompanying photos. If you watched the video we recently published with the voices of CVM clients talking about the best voice message they've ever received, you'll recognize some of the photos, and you can now learn more about their experiences. Of course, they all use Community Voice Mail, and it's been instrumental in improving their situation, but the bigger story is about their sheer determination to overcome the huge obstacles before them. Inspiring stuff.